For this post, it'll be best to give an account of what happened for the last 3 years. Ha! On second thought, there won't be much to write. Nothing much has changed. Nothing much has happened. It's like I've really just fallen asleep for a long time and woke up being the same as how I was before. But what does it matter to that I have to write this? Well here it goes...
I guess most of us sometimes, if not most of the time, wonder on what is our real purpose. But for me, this has always bothered me. It has even crippled me at times thinking that where I am now is not where I am supposed to be...or at least not where I want to be. Do I hear regrets? Yes!!! A lot regrets!!! I have not been good at making decisions and what has become of me has made me think if I really deserve to continue on this life. That's right...I have thought of ending my so-called "precious life" in the hopes of concluding this limbo. I've always felt that I am in a spiral labyrinth - always moving forward, in circles, and never knowing where to go. It has always been a cycle of insanity, brief happiness and then insanity again. I have even thought that my sometimes being happy is just an extension or manifestation of my insanity and therefore not a genuine happiness. So what are my chances of getting out of this maze without suffocating in its dark corner? Alas! I am writing this post, I guess, as a mere desperate attempt to look back, step back and re-think the tracks I have taken and ultimately plan my way out.
Sure we wonder what if we have this GPS in us to help us navigate in the maze of our lives and know right away which turn to take or which side of the fork to traverse. However, obviously, that's not the case. This post will then mark the start of recording my tracks - more like dropping pebbles along the way - so that I'll have a guide when I need to go back and rethink my way.
So now, I'll start to try on looking back on what I have gone through:
1. Work - This is, right now, my number one regret. A regret that I will have to live for still quite a while. It's also a frustration in that I very well know that I am not doing what I have always loved to do. I am not in a field where I imagined myself to be when I was still in the university. But what can I do? I feel like I am trapped wanting to escape but could not. For one, where do I go if I resign? Nowhere...I can't go to my real field as I have no experience there, which would mean having to go back to square one - ground zero. And that is not something I can't afford right now - or my family can't afford right now; or my debts can't afford right now; or my lifestyle can't afford right now. My plan? (Yes! I do have a plan.) I will make sure that I pass my Project Management Professional Certification (on Sep 29), take ITIL certification as well (sometime next year) and take my MS sometime soon (hopefully in the next 2 years - target start on June 2011). If I get to accomplish all of these, I will be assured of a good position outside my current company and within the field I've always wanted.
2. Lifestyle - Now this has become very tricky to me. I've always known that my lifestyle is not something that's of the norm - well as society dictates. Without even expounding on this, there is only a simple way to get around this. Accept who you are...focus...and be happy. It's the only way and just make sure that none of it hinders with your goals. FOCUS...FOCUS...FOCUS...
So what are my chances now? They may have not increased but I know this is a good start - a fresh one. And I will always repeat to myself - FOCUS! Never let go of your end, never lose sight of it - just like how you pass through a balance beam, focus your sight on the end not on your steps.
'Til next post. Good night! :-)
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