Just cause...

So what if I came clean
And told you all you mean to me
So what if I meant every word I said
Don't let it go to your head

So what if I write your name
'Cause you're always on my brain
In a heart I paint it crimson red
Don't let it go to your head

Don't be getting any big ideas
Let me make it clear

Just 'cause I can't go on
Just 'cause I die when you're gone
And just 'cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head

If I looked in your eyes
One, two, too many times
And memorized every word you said
Don't let it go to your head

So what if I want to kiss
From your toes up to your lips?
It don't mean that you've had me yet
You're gonna be good, I bet

I'm the one who's in control here
Let me make it clear

Oh, now you think you've got me?
Well...I'm gonna get you
Now you think you can touch me?
Well...I'm gonna let you

respite...a cutter's promise

respite...respite...all i need is respite...
there may never be peace but a fleeting breath may soothe the suffocation there is beneath all this masquerade. 
i am tired...restless...beaten...
my labyrinth is moving ahead of me - unknowingly reeling me through its web. 
ironic, you say...i have just been uttering sensations of realization for the past days, and yet here i am all wrapped up by lies and fallacies.
i am darkened...almost consumed by the gloom of my faith...and once again, the relief promised by the sharpness of the blade leaks through my veins...shivering with the chill of the metal caressing my forearm...
respite...respite...all i need is respite...
and the promise of this blade will be shattered...as i hearten the promise to myself...
that is...to live...

Realizing what I really like...

Today, it suddenly dawned on me that I really want to be in my field. Come to think of it, it has always been lingering in my mind - short of having the worst regret on staying in my current company. Everything just went into place - the plan, the timeline, everything. So here it is:
I asked my manager for a transfer to another project - a less stressful one. The timeline I gave him is that latest May, I should already have moved. Reason for this is that I really would like to finally pursue my MS degree next school year. I will not be able to be in a masters' school if I am still as stressed as I am right now. Now, I am just thinking if I will go to DLSU or UP-Diliman - that's something I will have to think about in the next months. Then there is the PMP certification exam that I am about to take by the end of this month. 
MS Degree, PMP Certification, actual project management experience topped by almost 8 years of work experience - all of these I hope will increase my chances of landing a high position in either the oil or manufacturing industry. I can't afford to go back to square one and settle for a merely starter's pay - not with my current responsibilities and, yes, lifestyle.
Now, how did my manager take this? Of course, not too well. He said he respects my decision and long term planning but it's rather obvious even in just an email that he's very disappointed. I know he already has plans for me in the project but it's just not what I want anymore. I can't find any reason to work anymore aside from having to earn a living. He setup a one-on-one meeting on October 15, more like giving me a few weeks to think about all of this. And this is where my weakness comes into place. I will have to pray to Him to enlighten me during the course of this reflection. I need to know fully if this is really what I want - no regrets or at least be prepared to accept the regrets that'll come.
In the end, this is somehow part of the process of finding myself. I have been so lost and it's about time to get back on track and be the Mervin that was 10 years ago - when all I knew and thought about was how to add to my achievements and accomplishments. It's about time to quit being complacent because this just not the real Mervin. 
May God help me in this struggle - that is my journey.

On making the first move...

Just an hour ago, I finally decided to send the person my friend has been setting up with me a message over Facebook. It was definitely out of impulse and spontaneity. I guess it was me trying to have a new outlook in life. I have always been timid, always waiting for others to make the first move. Good thing my effort did not go into vain. I got a response in just about 30 minutes - too soon for my expectation. 
I know it's far from this going somewhere "pretty" but it's definitely a start - a big leap for someone who's so afraid of rejection. I felt like facing a major phobia head on...kudos to myself! :)

...the morning after...

While I wish that it's the "morning after" you all think about, I am far - very far - from being in that position. It is the morning after a long night of contemplation on how I will carry on my life amidst the disappointments, frustrations and regrets. Again, FOCUS is the word. This is my end for now and I will never lose sight of it. I know that I am treading a very thin beam, almost wire-like, but if just keep my gaze on that one point in the end, I know I will not trip. 

Good luck to me! - and that's not saying in the usual sarcastic way...this time I just know I will make it. :)

After a 3-year hibernation...

I've decided to resurrect this blog after a 3-year long hibernation. I would like to make it habit from now on - that is, to religiously update this despite no one actually reading it. Actually, I think it's best that no one sees my posts as they can be brutally honest sometimes or perhaps most of the times. I hope this can be something I can use to relieve my stress and remain sane in times of insanity.

For this post, it'll be best to give an account of what happened for the last 3 years. Ha! On second thought, there won't be much to write. Nothing much has changed. Nothing much has happened. It's like I've really just fallen asleep for a long time and woke up being the same as how I was before. But what does it matter to that I have to write this? Well here it goes...

I guess most of us sometimes, if not most of the time, wonder on what is our real purpose. But for me, this has always bothered me. It has even crippled me at times thinking that where I am now is not where I am supposed to be...or at least not where I want to be. Do I hear regrets? Yes!!! A lot regrets!!! I have not been good at making decisions and what has become of me has made me think if I really deserve to continue on this life. That's right...I have thought of ending my so-called "precious life" in the hopes of concluding this limbo. I've always felt that I am in a spiral labyrinth - always moving forward, in circles, and never knowing where to go. It has always been a cycle of insanity, brief happiness and then insanity again. I have even thought that my sometimes being happy is just an extension or manifestation of my insanity and therefore not a genuine happiness. So what are my chances of getting out of this maze without suffocating in its dark corner? Alas! I am writing this post, I guess, as a mere desperate attempt to look back, step back and re-think the tracks I have taken and ultimately plan my way out.

Sure we wonder what if we have this GPS in us to help us navigate in the maze of our lives and know right away which turn to take or which side of the fork to traverse. However, obviously, that's not the case. This post will then mark the start of recording my tracks - more like dropping pebbles along the way - so that I'll have a guide when I need to go back and rethink my way.

So now, I'll start to try on looking back on what I have gone through:

1. Work - This is, right now, my number one regret. A regret that I will have to live for still quite a while. It's also a frustration in that I very well know that I am not doing what I have always loved to do. I am not in a field where I imagined myself to be when I was still in the university. But what can I do? I feel like I am trapped wanting to escape but could not. For one, where do I go if I resign? Nowhere...I can't go to my real field as I have no experience there, which would mean having to go back to square one - ground zero. And that is not something I can't afford right now - or my family can't afford right now; or my debts can't afford right now; or my lifestyle can't afford right now. My plan? (Yes! I do have a plan.) I will make sure that I pass my Project Management Professional Certification (on Sep 29), take ITIL certification as well (sometime next year) and take my MS sometime soon (hopefully in the next 2 years - target start on June 2011). If I get to accomplish all of these, I will be assured of a good position outside my current company and within the field I've always wanted.

2. Lifestyle - Now this has become very tricky to me. I've always known that my lifestyle is not something that's of the norm - well as society dictates. Without even expounding on this, there is only a simple way to get around this. Accept who you are...focus...and be happy. It's the only way and just make sure that none of it hinders with your goals. FOCUS...FOCUS...FOCUS...

So what are my chances now? They may have not increased but I know this is a good start - a fresh one. And I will always repeat to myself - FOCUS! Never let go of your end, never lose sight of it - just like how you pass through a balance beam, focus your sight on the end not on your steps.

'Til next post. Good night! :-)